OP-ED: No Thanks, I Don’t Want Adderall, My Hands Are Already Shaking from Talking in a Class Discussion

Hey man, I know you’re just trying to help me get a jump start to my day, but I don’t need Adderall, I swear. I just got out of my 9 a.m. and I raised my hand to talk not just once, but two whole times. So my hands are already shaking from the natural high of talking in class.

What? You think I’m coked up? Nah man, this is just some good ol’ social anxiety. The shit that really gets you going. Trust me, once you get started, you can’t stop. No, I mean really can’t stop. I was in line to buy grapes from FroGro the other day, and there were so many people that I said “fuck it” and shoved an entire 2 pounds of grapes into my pants. I don’t know why I did that. If you think drugs get your heart racing fast and impair your decision making, just try being anxious.

That’s why I can’t even drink coffee. One time, I drank coffee before an interview, and boy was that a bad decision. I was already anxious to start because, like, who isn’t anxious before an interview? And then I started twitching real bad. I’ll spare you the details. I’m getting anxious just thinking about it.

And it’s not like I don’t raise my hand because I didn’t do the readings or whatever, either. Every time I talk, some dude interrupts me and says he’s just “piggybacking off of what I said.” Like, what the fuck? Is that even allowed?

Anyways. Ask me again before my midterm next week. I might take you up on your offer, then.