University to Replace PennCard with RFID Chip Implant

The University announced last Wednesday that they will be phasing out PennCards and replacing them with Radio-Frequency Identification chip implants. Each "Penn Chip" will be inserted into a Penn-affiliate’s neck. The move comes after several complaints by students about the hassle of PennCards.

“Students who frequently lost their cards will worry no longer. After a single three-hour procedure, along with five follow-up appointments, students will be able to go anywhere on campus by holding their necks up to card scanners,” President Amy Gutmann said in a statement.

Some see this announcement as extreme. Nursing Junior Sasha Jackson, for example, tweeted “What the fuck? I have to get a chip in my neck now? This is like a Black Mirror episode.” (Jackson has not been heard from since posting the tweet. When asked for comment regarding the disappearance, a University spokesperson said, “Sasha has been taken care of. She is no longer a menace to the natural progression of technology.”)

Benefits of the neck implant include readily accessible vitals, real-time GPS updates, and a new Penn Dining option called Neck Dollars, which allow students to spend Penn Cash at select off-campus stores with a 2% discount.

Additionally, an augmented reality feature is available for those who wish to escape Penn's stressful environment. In order to participate, students simply download the app, select their new reality, and are immediately immersed in a stress-free world. One such reality allows any student to live as a wealthy international freshman for a day and eat at off-campus locations for every meal.

In a University-wide email, Penn Administration wrote, “As a bonus, the chip procedure is irreversible; any attempt at removal will most likely kill the host. Thus, after a student moves on from Penn, there will always be an obtrusive bump on their neck to remind them of their real home.”