​BREAKING: Philadelphia Education Budget to Go to Keeping Eagles Fans Off Street Poles

City pride has never been so pervasive in Philadelphia. There have been riots in the streets, bird’s merchandise stocked in all the Wawas, and that beloved Eagles green illuminating the buildings of the city. And as the riots get worse, the department has been scrambling for means to keep the rowdy fans in check.

“We've accepted that we will need another, say, 300 tins of Crisco to keep fans off the poles,” Police Commissioner Richard Ross Jr. shared. With the all-vegetable shortening priced at a whopping $10.98, the projected cost comes out to around $3300, the entirety of Philadelphia’s education fund.

Educators are outraged, especially the language and history teachers: they were the next to go after the already cut arts department. Even the students, who are now only offered three subjects (English, math, and science), are in disbelief.

However, none of Philadelphia’s officials seem bothered by this decision. “All of our children are either adults at this point or go to some private school in the suburbs,” District Attorney Larry Krasner explained. “Honestly, the rioters are more of a concern for us.”