Sophomore Attends Sunday Mass the Morning After Mass Orgy

Harrison Gordon (C ‘20) was used to wild nights. He would regularly engage in drunken rowdy behavior, defacing school property at least twice a week. He was a big fan of substances and experimented with anything that could alter his body, except for his private parts. Gordon was always hesitant of sexual exploration, possibly because of his fear of his inability to perform. Or maybe he just hadn’t found the right person to let loose around. 

That all changed when he was invited to a mass orgy with the rest of his Physics 151 recitation. In hopes of getting an opportunity to review the material before his midterm, Gordon thought it would be a good idea to attend.

What started out as a harmless reunion of students erupted into a night of dripping wet sheets, the grabbing of unidentified body parts, and unintelligible chanting in German. Gordon was so exhausted by the end of the night that he blacked out, waking up the following day on top of a pile of naked physics students.

Horrified by the acts of the previous night, Gordon quickly sprinted to his local church and repented. He hoped that this would wash away his sin, but according to the priest, "he had fucked up one too many times."

While this Sunday mass visit may have proved to be unsuccessful, Gordon swears that he will no longer attend similar mass orgies in the future. "I'm done. This is the last one. I promise," he remarked enthusiastically, replying "Can't Go" to the Math 114 orgy planned for next week.

We hope Gordon finds peace.