'This is the One,' Says Senior Who Fucked Up Past Seven Semesters

Samuel Lowell (C ‘18) was an optimist. When things went awry, Lowell always kept his chin up and figured out what he could do better.

In his freshman year first semester, Lowell didn’t attend any of his classes, skipped any homework that wasn’t graded, and copied any homework that was. He ended the semester with a 0.5 GPA, but he learned valuable lessons that would help him in the future. “Second semester would definitely be different,” thought Lowell. “I’m going to be so prepared.”

It wasn’t. His rage and frustration from his first semester soon faded, as he slowly returned to his old ways. He tried sleeping with his Math TA to get a passing grade, but cut up his last condom to make rubber bands. Silly Sam.

His 4th and 5th semester were ruined when he forgot to make New Year’s Resolutions that year, and had no goals to build upon. He was devastated when he realized he couldn’t improve for an entire year. What a waste.

His sixth semester, his toenail got infected and had to drop out of school for a few months, and his seventh semester he spent completely drunk.

Now in his eighth last semester at Penn, Lowell is determined to improve. With the failures he’s experienced and the subsequent lessons he’s learned, Lowell just knows that he’ll be unstoppable this semester.

“This one’s the one—I can feel it already. Nothing can hold me back. Every mistake I’ve made has built up to this one semester. I’ve literally been through everything, and there’s no situation that can catch me off guard.”

Good luck, Sam.