After another spike in immigration following a scheduled academic break from the University of Pennsylvania, the state of New York has decided to put an unprecedented hold on migration from all Penn undergraduates.

The decision was made following unsubstantiated comments from male Columbia undergrads, claiming Penn students were ruining their “intellectual sad boy culture.” One such statement came from Columbia sophomore Jeff Williams, who claimed that Penn students were taking over his campus. “I saw them everywhere. Taking spots in our bars, eating food from our halal carts, studying in libraries...and that’s fine, I guess, but at the end of the day, I haven’t seen a single Penn student contribute a snarky think piece on the existential quiet of a night in the city where the streetlights drown out the stars! They take and take but never give.”

Many critics have called both the comments and the subsequent immigration ban discriminatory, as it is based on antiquated stereotypes of Penn’s pre-professional culture. 

“I don’t think they understand that we Penn students are diverse,” said Wharton junior Jake Feldman. “I mean, I'm in Wharton, but I regularly listen to Sufjan Stevens, and I even wrote-in Bernie for the 2016 election! In Pennsylvania! I’m so multifaceted and it’s frustrating they can't see that.”

Other critics have noted that the "ban" will affect many Penn students who are long-time New York residents and still have family across the border. “The state's administration keeps talking about us as if we’re just a bunch of bums, spending our parents' money at bubble tea shops and juuling around the city—but most of us live there! It's our home. I think the powers-that-be forget that around 110% of the Penn student body is made of taxpaying Westchester residents.”

Although the quoted statistic is not accurate, our investigators have found the sentiment is not far from reality. After double checking the statistic, Westchester residents only account for 75% of Penn’s student body: 10% come from Long Island, 5% from “the city” and 5% from... other coasts, maybe? The final 5% of the student body hail from a trash hole New Jersey.

Penn administrators have not decided on a plan of action, but have commented on the situation. “This shortsighted decision violates our core principles as a University community—indeed, as a nation,” said President Gutmann. “Wait, I can still go back? Okay, that's cool.”