Trump considering Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education

Staffing shake-ups continue to rock Washington as President Trump is considering Penn Law professor and frequent purse-clutcher Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, according to a source with ties to the presidential administration. DeVos has been on thin ice since her disastrous "60 Minutes" interview earlier this month, and Wax’s recent controversial remarks have placed her firmly on the radar of an administration that strives to pick the worst possible candidate for any given position.

“Professor Wax's comments have made her a clear choice to put America First,” reported the source. “Her courage in asserting the superiority of white culture and traditional values has given President Trump confidence that she is well-positioned to carry out our agenda.”

Ideological qualifications aside, Wax generally meets the level of under-qualification, controversy, and imprudence that has become the hallmark of any great Trump cabinet pick. In early January, it was reported that Wax had passed the administration's “ham sandwich test,” a critical first evaluation performed by the administration. The test determines the efficacy of cabinet members by comparing their potential performance to that of a ham sandwich. Secretary DeVos had also passed the test with mayo, but was just edged out by a mustard-laden lunch.

Internal support for Wax’s nomination has skyrocketed in light of her recent comments about the alleged poor academic performance of her black students. For an administration that has been struggling to reconnect with its white nationalist following after firing White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, Wax could fill a critical, necessary role. Her unabashed preference for white, bourgeois culture is fully expected to curry favor with both the Richard Spencers and the Guys-In-Your-Seminar-Who-Are-Just-Playing-Devil’s-Advocate. According to Wax herself, she “doesn't shrink from the word ‘superior’” when it comes to Anglo-Protestant cultural values — a bold statement admired by many alt-right leaders who have commended her for her honesty.

Sources have also indicated that Wax’s subsequent Senate confirmation should be clear and easy in the Republican-controlled chamber. While Senators Flake (R-Ariz.), McCain (R-Ariz.) and Graham (R-S.C.) have been critical of the administration in recent months, they are fully expected to roll over and slam Wax’s nomination through the Senate.

Back at Penn, the University administration is expected to follow its policy of completely ignoring reprehensible affiliates until absolutely necessary. After approximately 13 phone calls, a representative gave a statement, saying, “Amy who? The only Amy I know is Dr. Gutmann. Amy Wax, you say? Never heard of her. Doesn’t ring a bell. Gotta go. Call me back in eight years. Bye!”

Penn Law has also been staying the course and declining to comment. When approached by reporters, senior administrators simply ducked underneath their desks and turned off the lights.