Confirmed: Suitemate Not Having Torrid Sex in Room, Just Playing Wii Tennis

After 38 long minutes of investigation, Ryan Chakrabarti (C '20) confirmed that the grunting, panting, and moaning noises coming from his suitemate's room were the result of a deadlocked Wii tennis game, not a torrid love affair.

Chakrabarti first launched his probe into the suitemate's activity after receiving a tip from another suitemate, whose room is located on the other side of the apartment. "He was concerned that there was a massive security breach in the suite, granting unauthorized access to a foreign agent for nefarious sexual activity," Chakrabarti reported.

To determine whether there was a legitimate threat, Chakrabarti pressed his ear to the flatmate's door and listened intently for any signs of foul play. The strained, heaving gasps emanating from the room and the rattling of furniture against the walls suggested that a prolonged act of passionate coitus was occurring on the other side. "But after looking into the situation further and gathering key evidence, such as the presence of the Wii Sports melody looping in the background and the fact that he is a CIS major," Chakrabarti explained, "I ascertained that there was only a minuscule chance that acts of a sexual nature were taking place."

"At that point, I realized that he was actually engaged in a heated game of Wii tennis," he said.

Chakrabarti's suitemate, who requested anonymity due to the incriminating nature of the report, acknowledged the situation, saying "I won the match. And for me, that's the best kind of happy ending a guy can ask for."