Socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and sexually frustrated | How hooking up at Penn is harder as a conservative

I saw her across my recitation classroom: blonde-haired, wearing a Vineyard Vines long-sleeve, and talking to her friend about the triumphs of classical, laissez-faire economics over Keynesian theory. She was the image of everything I’d ever dreamed about (except that she wasn’t wearing a Reagan-Bush ‘84 pin). The Zooey Deschanel to my 500 Days of Summer. After class, I tried to tell her that we were meant to be together.

“Sorry,” she said. “I’m gay.”

Being a conservative in this day and age is beyond difficult. It’s not only intellectually frustrating, but sexually frustrating as well. It’s ridiculous that people reject you solely because your political views are different, like that girl (I called her my Tomi Lahren) from my econ recitation. I don’t even know how Tomi was able to find out my political affiliation before I said a word to her (maybe she’s a psych major?), but this wasn’t the only time that someone turned me away because she discovered that I’m a conservative. 

One time, I tried talking to a girl while I was at the gym, but after I introduced myself as “Allen the Republican,” she started running away because I supposedly “smelled bad.” Can you believe the audacity of some people? I had just won a bet with my friend by going 30 days without showering, and this is how this girl rewards me?

All this isn’t to say that I don’t get laid, because I definitely do, all the time, just that the process of getting to that point is a lot harder. Even in the bedroom, girls always have something to say about my politics. Numerous girls have told me that “mansplaining my Second Amendment rights doesn’t count as dirty talk.” Ugh, talk about a turn off!

Look, I’m willing to see past political differences. When I was with my ex (a fellow member of Penn Conservatives United), I cheated on her with a Bernie supporter. And if that’s not proof of bipartisanship, I don’t know what is. But even my fling with that Democrat was cut short because she told me I “wasn’t well-endowed enough,” which I took to mean that my Libertarian stance on welfare policy was a deal breaker to her.

When I decided to come to Penn, I was promised a culture of egalitarianism and diversity with roots in Quaker tradition. But in my encounters with its toxic hookup culture, I have realized that I’ve experienced the complete opposite. I should’ve just gone to school in the South. At least I probably could’ve gotten laid (more) there.