Huntsman renovation to include autoflush bidets

Making good on their promise of much-needed improvements on campus, administrators were thrilled to announce on Friday that Huntsman Hall will be undergoing renovations throughout the 2018-2019 school year. Frustrated that plumbing allotments from past years’ capital campaigns were funneled toward the Rodin flood and fixing the sink next to Makuu, several donors threatened to withhold support until conditions in Huntsman are improved.

Luckily, Management and Technology junior Kurt Wasserman’s hydrotech startup has offered a cost-effective way for administrators to improve Huntsman and support student business at the same time. Wasserman’s business, Seize Bidet™, specializes in providing sanitary, paperless alternatives to toilet paper that he believes will champion the American toilet industry in less than a decade.

Kurt weighed in on the renovation and his business strategy, explaining, “As lumber and paper costs increase, the cost of fresh, potable water is increasing at a slightly less dramatic rate. My bidets are designed to provide a pleasant user experience and entirely eliminate the need for toilet paper. At $7,000 per stall, the bidets will pay for themselves in only 40 years by striking toilet paper from the budget. Investing in any other renovation would, well, be flushing money down the toilet!”

Wasserman has offered a discount of 5 percent to Penn, which will apply to beta-version appliances, sensor calibration, and in-stall installation fees. Financial advisors in the capital department consider this to be a win-win for Kurt and Huntsman, but some Wharton faculty harbor doubts. After a test installation the other day, an anonymous professor was squirted in the chest by the building’s first bidet. It seems that just as automatic toilets can flush at inopportune times, autoflush bidets can deploy before the user sits down. 

Furthermore, dramatic water pressure fluctuations have proven to be an issue for Wasserman’s bidets. Undeterred, Kurt commented, “My bidets, true to Huntsman form, are designed to deliver a gentle ass-kissing experience, and I have faith that my employees and I can program them to emit a constant low-pressure stream.” Depending on how quickly Wasserman is able to settle a pending class-action lawsuit from multiple victims of anal tearing, students can look forward to enjoying Huntsman’s renovated facilities by the end of 2019.