Wake Up America: You Only Have 5 Minutes to Get Dressed for Your 9 AM Now

Wake up, America! It’s 8:40 and you need to be downstairs, clothed, and have your contacts in by 8:45 if you want to get to Survey of the Universe on time.

Drop that toothbrush. You relinquished that privilege when you hit snooze for the eighth time at 8:30. Have a swig of mouthwash. No time to spit? Down the hatch! At least that’ll assuage the hangover, you slothful piece of shit. 

It sure is a shame you can’t wear that dress you picked out last night. It’s tennis shoes and sweats for your lazy ass. How else would you be able to speedwalk to DRL like someone suffering from diarrhea beelining it to the bathroom in a crowded office? No time to go back for your umbrella either. When it rains, it pours, huh?

This is just pathetic. It’s time to make some sort of major change here. If you think this kind of thing is going to fly in the real world, you need a serious wakeup call.