A letter from the DPOSTM PIG champion | Why I should be on Penn men's basketball

To Whom It May Concern (Coach Steve Donahue):

After romping through the rest of my department and being crowned DPOSTM’s first Mini Hoop PIG Champion, I finally have the confidence I need to shoot my shot. I’m ready for you to take me as a walk-on for Penn men’s basketball.

Let me tell you about my sheer dominance in this PIG league. I went 82-17 over the course of the season, recording nearly 50 wins more than the next best player (freshman and No. 1 seed Danny Chiarodit). And I did it with all kinds of different shots: off the wall, behind the back, off hand, eyes closed, bounce shots. You name it, I definitely attempted it.

I had pretty clutch performances, too. In the championship matchup, I was down HORS to HOR in an unfriendly environment, with several staffers rooting for the favored Chiarodit. But I gritted it out and pulled off the unbelievable upset.

It’s not like this is the only basketball experience I have. In high school, I was an integral part of a recreational league championship team. I once led our team, with seven points in one game, including a three-pointer. I also had an impeccable 100 percent free throw shooting percentage, going one for one on the season.

And unlike my predecessor, William Snow, I can actually make a layup. In fact, I didn’t miss a layup the entire PIG season. I know, impressive.

You don’t have to worry about me playing at the Palestra either; I’ve got experience there too. At one point in time (before I took my first shot), I had a perfect shooting percentage in the Cathedral. There’s also video evidence of me getting to the rack while crossing Sports Editor Yosi Weitzman up in a game of one-on-one.

Granted, there is also video evidence of me airballing a three on my next shot, but don’t read too much into it. I know my limits.

With captain Darnell Foreman graduating, you’re going to need a new leader to step up and fill the void. And I can absolutely be that guy for you. During last year’s Kamin Cup, I captained the DPOSTM team to a resounding 56-28 victory against a football squad made up of staff members from rest of The Daily Pennsylvanian. It was my inspired leadership, both on and off the field, that returned my department to its former glory — not the fact that no one in the DP knows how to play sports.

I hope I have made my case clear to you. I, a scrawny, mildly athletic, six-foot-tall kid with minimal basketball skills, would make a great addition to this team, and would really push the Quakers to even greater heights. You’d be lucky to have me.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Pollack