An Open Letter to Amy Gutmann: Why the Fuck Is Your Skin So Perfect?

Dearest Amy Gutmann,

You have proven yourself to be totally capable of everything: graduating college as a first generation, low-income student, raising millions of dollars for Penn, and assembling a cult following of your inferiors.

But your greatest achievement—the thing everyone is most curious about—is your fucking perfect skin.

There are images of you from long ago in which you look decades older than you currently do. Is that a result of proper exfoliation and skin-toning, or plastic surgery?

Seriously: it seems like you're getting younger and younger. Even as our tuition rates creep higher and higher. Are you building yourself a fountain of youth, Amy? Is that where our dollars are going?

At this rate, in a few years your skin will soon look like polished ceramic, and it will contain absolutely no wrinkles, like the faces of Kim Kardashian or Melania.

So, on behalf of the entire Penn community, please tell us your fucking secret. We just want answers. And good skin.

Sincerely,

Student with minimal access to cosmetic surgery