Study Finds That 89% of Students Who Ride Electric Longboards End Up Sad and Lonely

A recent study by a Penn data science team has found that 89% of students who ride electric longboards end up sad and lonely.

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.

“We all see those pathetic little fucks with their little controls and light-up boards, thinking they’ll be the next Casey Neistat. So, it came as no surprise to us that, five years down the road, most of our respondents were unemployed, divorced, living in the Midwest, and generally unhappy with the way their lives turned out.”

The study’s discussion concluded with a poignant line about its subjects: “If people don’t have their lives together enough to leave three minutes earlier for class, prompting them to drop hundreds—and often thousands—of dollars on an electric skateboard, it makes sense that they never really get their lives together.”