​Breakfast Burrito First of Many Unhealthy Choices Mark Will Make Today

Warning: The following story may be disturbing to some health-conscious readers.

At 11:43 on Saturday morning, Mark Wiener (C ’19) chose to begin his day with a breakfast burrito. This beefy, scrambled indulgence signaled the beginning of a litany of unhealthy decisions Mark would make today.

While eating the burrito, Mark began to struggle with its spiciness. Needing a beverage to wash it down with, Mark selected a highly caloric soda instead of water or even fruit juice.

After downing the burrito with soda, Mark returned home. There, he twice turned down requests from his housemates to go the gym with them, claiming he was “very busy.”

This was a lie.

Faced with a beautiful, sunny day outside and nothing to do, Mark proceed to climb back into his bed. Then, he got snuggly in his blanket and watched an amateur YouTube documentary about the Zodiac Killer on his laptop. Despite the bright screen being only six inches from Mark’s eyes, he quickly fell asleep.

After waking up in a state of extreme confusion six hours later, Mark confronted the fact that he had done nothing with his day. Unhappy with this fact, he ordered a large calzone filled with Italian meats. Although he lives only 1.5 blocks from the pizzeria, he paid an extra $3 for delivery.

In an unfortunate mirroring of the morning, Mark became thirsty while eating the calzone. In response, he drank four canned beers on the couch. The beers made Mark drowsy. To end the day, Mark unexpectedly fell back asleep on his couch in the clothes he had worn all day and without brushing his teeth.