BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

Sources report lethargic turtles sunbathing on rocks, munching on plants, and jamming out to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. This may sound like ordinary turtle behavior, and that’s accurate. Being a turtle is a pretty chill life. However, biology student Peter Mullen (C ’19) describes observing shocking new behavior: turtles staring at their weird, wrinkly, stubby little legs and laughing.

“In all my year studying turtle behavior, I’d never heard a turtle make any noise before,” said Mullen. “I couldn’t make any sense of it. That said, I was pretty stoned when I made the observation.”