CHEAPEST SUBLET EVER: I Will Let You Live in My Apartment for Free If You Water My Plant

ATTENTION! You will not get a better deal than this! I will be in New York City this summer pursuing my dream of becoming incredibly wealthy, so I’m subletting my apartment for the CHEAPEST PRICE EVER. You can live there for free as long as you water my plant. It’s a succulent, so like, you don’t even need to water it that often. There are a few specifications though:

• Succy only takes tonic water at 20 degrees Celsius, poured in intervals of three drops every 45 seconds for three minutes straight, six times per day.
• Succy likes to listen to only the highest quality music. If it’s too mainstream, it’ll hurt Succy’s disposition. Only bands that are not super popular, really fringe artists. Succy will listen to a little techno, but any more than that is no good.
• Succy likes a bedtime story each night, and it’s okay to repeat a story once every month. Difficulty should be between Dr. Seuss and Harry Potter.