OP-ED: Fellow Dwellers of Van Pelt, I Was Scratching My Nose, Not Railing Vyvanse

This finals season is proving to be a difficult one. I have spent many a late hour studying in the library alongside my collegiate brethren doing the very same. And it is you, dear brethren, whom I would like to address.

Fellow dwellers of Van Pelt, allow me to make one thing clear: if you saw me in the library last night with my hands hovering suspiciously close to my face, it was because I was innocently scratching my nose. And definitely not because I was railing Vyvanse™.

Let me explain. My health has been poor these past few weeks, and my nose has been itchy since reading days began. Between allergy season and the Great Mono Epidemic, there's no telling what has afflicted me. All I know is that, sometimes, I get the urge to scratch my nose. And sometimes, that urge happens to come in the library at 11:46 p.m. when I have an assignment due at midnight—which was precisely the case last night at Van Pelt. But I can assure you I never get the urge to snort Vyvanse™.

And if you heard me violently sniffling as I dropped my head behind an oversized textbook immediately before the nose-scratch in question, it's not what you think. I'll have you know that I was simply reading my history textbook, and had just finished a harrowing chapter on the death toll of World War I. And you know what? I'm brave enough to admit that I was crying—and most certainly not using the textbook as a shield to block the view of me railing a fat line of Vyvanse™ to help me power through a term paper.

As a high-achieving student, I am appalled at the mere thought of using drugs to improve my academic performance. I've never even tried Vyvanse™ before, and I certainly was not ingesting it in the library last night. 

But if anyone knows where I can get some, hit me up.