5 Reasons Why the Walmart Yodeling Kid Should be the Next Penn President

1. He’ll revive Club Penguin for Penn students. Ever since Obama killed Club Penguin last year, people everywhere have been mourning the death of the iconic web game. Penn students especially were hit hard by the loss of Club Penguin. However, we have full confidence that Walmart yodeling boy will bring it back, just for our community.

2. He’s our God. We worship Walmart yodeling kid. We thank him every day for his benevolence and generosity—for blessing the world with his presence.

3. He’ll probably create a yodeling major. And a yodeling a cappella group. A frat for yodelers. Penn always welcomes diversity, and UTB is a big fan of representation for the yodeling community.

4. He’ll put a bathroom in the first floor of Van Pelt. Seriously, why the fuck isn’t there one already? We got an entire new section of the first floor, but even that didn’t include a bathroom.

5. His salary will be double that of Amy Gutmann's. Our data analysts show that Walmart boy is in high demand, so we'd need to offer him a hefty salary to get him to come to Penn. But we'd gladly allow it. Please, Walmart boy, take our tuition money.