Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

What this means, however, is that, thanks to the copious amounts of coffee and her utter refusal to feel the sunlight on her skin, she makes countless runs to the bathroom on the bottom floor of Van Pelt every day.

Lyons just has one problem: she gets poo-formance anxiety. No matter how badly her bowels yearn for sweet release, she is unable to defecate in the presence of other people. In fact, she’s been sitting on the toilet in the VP basement bathroom for 12 hours now, waiting for people to leave.

Six hours in, Lyons started documenting her experience via Twitter. Here are a few of her tweets:

“It’s been six hours and 23 minutes since I’ve got here. My intestines feel like they’re going to explode. My butt has gone totally numb from sitting on this seat for so long. Girl in the stall next to me just dropped the biggest dookie ever, I’m pretty sure. Send help.”

“Nine hours and 44 minutes. There is no God. Pretty sure someone just snorted adderall in one of the stalls. The smell of that girl’s poop has been lingering for the past 3 hours.”

“11 hours on the dot. Did you guys know that I need to poop? Pretty badly haha!!!!!!!!! I'm going crazy. I really should’ve just gone upstairs to the third floor.”