OP-ED: Mr. Bouncer, If My Alcohol Is in a Water Bottle, It Doesn’t Matter What Color the Liquid Is, I Assure You It’s Water

Wow. How dare you not let me into this concert with my water bottle. I don’t care if the contents are bright red. Do you not see that the cap is completely sealed? Try opening it. You will hear the crisp snap of a fresh bottle. If that isn’t the sign of pure water, I don’t know what is.

Burn marks on the cap? That must be a manufacturing issue, but I assure you I have not tampered with the bottle or its contents in the slightest. I simply need to bring this completely legal-to-drink hydration in with me or I should surely faint from the excessive dancing I will do to Musiq Soulchid.

It is my 2nd amendment right to bear water, sir! Do you know how dangerous it is when citizens are not allowed to keep that sweet, sweet H2O on them at all times. This water is for my self protection … protection from dehydration.

Okay, fine, I will leave the venue! But that is completely my choice to be dragged into the parking lot. Consider it a protest of your complete breach of my rights. I hope you’re happy with yourself and your inability to discern the difference between water and other beverages.