Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. As a self-proclaimed foodie who spends 60% of his time in class watching people dump ungodly amounts of cheese onto every edible substance known to man, you’d sort of hope that Victor Augustine (C ‘19) could do a little bit more in the kitchen than just make popcorn in the microwave. Unfortunately, Victor’s culinary skills are the food equivalent of kindergarten finger paintings.

Luckily for Augustine, there is one skill he’s picked up that’s distinguished him from all the idiot sandwiches in his life: an uncanny ability to shit talk his roommates every time they mess up while cooking.

“You’ve got the raw chicken next to cooked chicken in the fridge, are you trying to kill us, you dumbass?!” he angrily shouted at his roommate, last month. Augustine failed to mention that He had left the stove on overnight after trying and failing to make Ramsay’s “classic scrambled eggs” while blackout at 3 a.m.

Augustine, who’s been practicing the same risotto recipe for 14 months, still loves bragging about how he only eats food that’s fresh, local, and made with the highest quality ingredients. Despite this, the closest he’s ever gotten to being a Michelin star chef was when he dressed as Ramsay for Halloween last year. At press time, Augustine could be heard in his room practicing his British accent and shouting about lamb sauce.