OP-ED: I Wear a Suit to All My Classes and I've Got a Hot Stock Tip for You

Hey there.

I know you're just trying to get through this class, but believe me when I say I've got a red-hot stock tip for you. 

How can you trust me? My guy, I'm rocking a full black suit in an introductory finance class. Do you think that I got where I am today by not making sick trades on the reg? Absolutely not. 

I'm wearing a suit to class. Why you ask? Perhaps I'm either coming from or going to an interview. Either way, I wore my suit to let everyone know both that I have interviews and that I'm a titan of finance. 

Listen to me. My portfolio is hella diversified. My friend group? I'm working on that. You want arbitrage? I arbitrage with the best of them. I'm arbitraging here, I'm arbitraging there, I'm arbitraging all over the place. I have "buy low, sell high" tattooed across my chest, out of sight of potential employers of course. I could literally define the word arbitrage if you asked me to, but please don't.

Alpha? I came, I sought, I conquered. 

Which stocks should you be buying? Definitely this one. This one is really hot right now. Big returns, I'm telling you. Huge.

I've actually got a call waiting, so I'll catch up with you later. Let's grab lunch sometime, I can give you the lowdown on this multi-level marketing investment opportunity that I've been working on.