OP-ED: The Penn Quaker Is the Ultimate Furry

I can’t believe I actually have to write an article about something this obvious, but I think it’s time we all address the elephant in the room. Penn’s "lovable" Quaker has an overpowering fetish for other people dressed in animal costumes, and is using his role as mascot to mask his darker desires. Let’s look at the facts.

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to take on the role of the Quaker? The job includes putting on a costume that resembles a horribly disfigured historical character with a smile from the depths of someone’s clown-filled hell.The head of the costume probably smells like a melted ballsack. The job also involves running and jumping around at under-attended sporting events, or inducing shudders from everyone nearby whenever the Quaker is tasked to parade around campus. There has to be another motivation for anyone in the Quaker costume to agree to this humiliation and fearmongering: whoever is inside must be massive furry.

Think about it: this is the perfect way to get close to other people dressed up in erotic mascot costumes. Brown’s bear is thicc, Columbia’s lion is sure to be even wilder in the bedroom, and the Princeton tiger is definitely a bottom.

There is no logical explanation for any human being entering into the sweaty flesh prison that is the Quaker costume if not for the sexual ecstasy of laying claim to a fellow furry. This also warrants some additional questions: is a furry dressed up as a plush human desirable to other furries? What are the sexual dynamics between the Ivy League mascots? Where does Stanford’s tree fit into this continuum?

Keep an eye on our oatmeal-loving, red-and-blue-wearing, nightmare-inducing friend. You never know what is going on inside the costume, behind those empty eyes.