Penn Researchers Find that Pineapple Definitively Does Not Belong on Pizza

In a groundbreaking longitudinal study that spanned four years, two continents and several thousand pounds of mozzarella cheese, today Penn researchers have dealt a decisive blow against anyone who thinks it’s appropriate to defile the one pure thing left in the world in 2018 (pizza) with mushy cubes of yellow fruit.

The study, conducted over several years in food labs in Philadelphia, Naples, and Hawaii, has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that pineapple, a fruit that’s literally only famous for being the home of a cartoon sponge, has no place on any pizza that a grown adult plans on eating. “If you want to eat tomatoes and pineapples at the same time, then drink a V8, asshole,” a bleary-eyed researcher drenched in tomato sauce told onlookers at the University’s press conference for this announcement. His ham-infused breath left reporters retching for a solid 30 seconds after the statement.

Penn’s motivation for spending $7 million to have graduate students eat ungodly amounts of pizza for four years is a bit dubious, but apparently researchers “just wanted to solve an easy one to get into a groove” before tackling unsolved problems in the fields of mathematics and computation.