Penn to No Longer Invest in Unethical and Unprofitable Ventures

This morning, administrators released a statement to the entire Penn community, stating that they would no longer invest in projects that were both unethical and unprofitable. The administration has never taken a stance on this issue until today, and the announcement came as a surprise to many. One student claimed that it was "even more unexpected than the decision to introduce flavored food into dining halls." 

The email sent to students, faculty, and alumni detailed the reasons for which the administration decided to divest from immoral and ineffective ventures. "Fracking in the middle of neighborhoods and bulldozing playgrounds for no good reason is not only bad, but it's not making us money anymore, either," wrote Office of Investments spokesperson Jeremy Barnett. "As a result, we are proud to say that we will no longer be directing our financial resources to such projects. Instead, our funds will go towards more profitable ventures, such as oil drilling in national parks and eliminating the financial aid system." 

UTB economics analysts were puzzled by the move. "Never before in the history of Penn have we seen the administration explicitly divest from blatantly exploitative or shitty things," said Jessica Reddy (W '18), our chief analyst. "I think this is a huge step up for them and a win for our entire community."

However, not all members of the community are as impressed. "They're getting rid of fucking financial aid and going to be drilling in national parks?" one student lamented. "Can't anyone see how outrageous and awful this is? Why are we even celebrating this?" (Editor's note: While UTB tries its best to remain a nonpartisan publication, we were disappointed and shocked at this person's lack of appreciation for the great efforts and progress of our administration.)