Report: Every Other Student in Queer Theory Course Has a Cooler Haircut Than You

A new report detailing the status of queer theory courses at Penn has revealed what many students have already suspected: every other student in the queer theory class you're in has a cooler haircut than you.

"We found that any given student enrolled in a course on queer theory will be afflicted with the sense that they have the least interesting hairstyle compared to their fellow students," the report's lead author said.

For many students, this could have adverse effects on learning. "In addition," the author added, "we concluded that this imbalance in stylishness resulted in a moderate to high incidence of anxiety regarding haircut decisions."

"And if you're thinking about getting a sidecut and Bettie Page bangs instead of Lee Edelman's conceptualization of jouissance as it relates to the queer death drive," he said, "you're going to have some problems."

Janie King (C '21), a student in GSWS 003: Intro to Queer Theory, was not shocked by the report. "Usually I feel confident in my blue pixie cut," she said, running her fingers through her vibrant, choppy locks. "But the moment I enter my GSWS classroom, I'm suddenly overtaken with the feeling that my hair will never be good enough for them."

"It's survival of the queerest out there," said Leo Hackman (C '19) who is currently enrolled in ENGL 337: The Queer Romance Novel. "You can know the entirety of Judith Butler's canon and have 'Is the Rectum a Grave?' memorized verbatim, but if you're not rocking an asymmetrical cut? Good luck, normie."

"The one thing that has yet to be determined," the study's author said, "is who truly has the coolest hair." He says that further studies will explore this question.