Freshman Thinking Up Excuses to Miss Lecture Realizes No One Actually Cares if He Skips

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.

His mind was racing as he searched for possible excuses to give to his professor. He could say that he was sick with the flu. No, too overused. Or maybe he could say that his grandfather died and he had to go to his funeral. No, he'd already used that one. Or maybe he would say that he got caught up in small talk on Locust. No, not believable enough.

Jacobs was panicking, furiously thinking of excuses, when he suddenly realized something. Was there anyone he was going to tell his excuse to? Anyone to listen to why he couldn't make it to class? That's when Jacobs finally realized that no one actually cares whether or not he goes to class.

With his head held high, Jacobs slipped on slippers, put his feet up, and grabbed a book to read. It was like he had discovered a new way of living. Nothing could stop him from skipping lecture now. He certainly plans on pulling this stunt a lot more this semester.