​United by Blue to Begin Making All Employees Carry Around Kayaks

Last week United by Blue (UBB) management announced that the store expansion just wasn’t enough. UBB needed better branding as well. The coffee shop is already a hipster joint that sells locally made pastries, has its employees wear flannels, and, let’s face it, just isn't Starbucks.

However, management decided it wasn’t rustic enough. So, in the coming month all UBB baristas will be required to have a kayak strapped to their backs at all times, as part of the uniform. Higher ups confirm that the color doesn’t matter, as long as the kayak is made by one of the approved brands, because just think about how embarrassing it would be for UBB to have one of its workers show up with one of those cheap tourist kayaks. That would totally throw the branding off.

UBB worker Mark Adams is concerned about the change. “I worried the boat will hinder my coffee-making arm,” Adams complains. “It’s just like, let me do my art the way that I want. I don’t need these obstacles.”

Management seems to be firm on its decision. What’s more is that there is even talk of giving employees company horses so that UBB can set up a water trough and horse posts outside. In all fairness, that would look super cool.