DP Opinion Columnist in Critical Condition After Suffering Burns From Flaming Hot Take

It is undeniable that being a journalist comes with its risks. DP Opinion Columnist Martina Salvatore became far too familiar with this reality earlier today, when she suffered third-degree burns from the unquenchable flames of her latest "hot take." 

Salvatore, who is known across campus for her unpopular opinions on a variety of issues, is no stranger to these inevitable consequences of her work. "Sometimes you've got to get the truth out there, you know," she whimpered, as she was carried in a stretcher onto the ambulance.

The DP's opinion columnists are notorious for expressing their wildly unpopular opinions, often suggesting that "Penn's competitive culture is bad," that "Greek life has issues," and that "the weather was warm yesterday." Despite these groundbreaking perspectives, a columnist's take has never been "hot" enough to warrant a hospital trip, let along leave them in critical condition.

"There was one time where I caught a fever from my hot take," remarked Simon Reynolds, another opinion columnist at the DP. "I wrote an article suggesting that Amy Wax has white hair, and received a lot of backlash. I guess that's the price you have to pay to speak your mind."

While Salvatore's controversy-igniting piece has been taken down to prevent other fires from starting across campus, reports indicate that she is making the best of her time in the waiting room, writing another "hot take" at this very moment.