Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 

However, studies contradict the supposed premed altruism. A recent report showed that, while only 80% of Wharton students would eat their best friends if trapped on a deserted island, about nine out of ten premeds would be willing to do the same. 

"I would eat Josh in a heartbeat," said Chem major Jahira Flores (C '19). "I mean, he's my best friend, and I'd do almost anything for him, but if it came down to it, I'd sell his organs to boost my GPA by .01. So in a life or death scenario, I'd be willing to do anything." 

"Oh my god! Other people think about eating their friends, too?" exclaimed one student. "I do that all the ti—Oh, it's only if we were trapped on a deserted island? Well, only if I really had to, I guess." 

The ten percent of premeds who were anti-friend-eating all identified as vegan or vegetarian. Though these students wouldn't eat another human being, all of them were willing to sacrifice their friends if there was only one space on a lifeboat without feeling any traces of remorse or guilt.