Report: PennCard Getting Way More Action Than Student

If you don’t count checkout lines, Winston Zheng (E ‘20) hasn’t been within five feet of a woman in months.

It’s been a rough year—for Zheng, at least. His PennCard, on the other hand, is having the time of its two dimensional, plastic life.

While Zheng spent last Friday night staring wistfully at the Starbuck Under Commons barista, the lady in question lovingly stroked his PennCard’s edges and gently slid it through her scanner.

“I sort of held the card against my cheek for a few minutes afterwards,” Zheng bashfully confessed, “It was warm. I miss warmth.”

We interviewed a cashier after she came into contact with Zheng’s Casanova card. “It has this really loved, well worn look to it," she said. "Every square inch of it looked like it had been gingerly caressed by someone once. Except for the part where the kid’s face was.”

At press time, one of our staffers found Zheng’s card dashed to pieces outside the Penn Bookstore, with Zheng inside applying for a replacement while muttering something about "betrayal."