All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.

“We want to ensure that as many students as possible are able to attend the vital information sessions and social events throughout the week,” said a spokesperson for the NSO office. “We believe seminars on topics such as the responsible consumption of alcohol are crucial to success at Penn.”

“For some inexplicable reason, many incoming students have missed these events due to unexpected hospitalizations,” they added. Thanks to the change in location, it is predicted that 50% more freshmen will be able to attend mandatory events than last year. 

“I’m excited that I won’t have to compromise between reckless neglect of my well-being and learning about the countless interesting clubs I will never join,” said one incoming freshman.

President Amy Gutmann will deliver her convocation address among the hustle and bustle of broken bones, fevers, and vomiting eighteen-year-olds. “We are very fortunate that our students are able to experience first-hand the incredible medical interventions developed at our world-class hospital,” her office commented.