‘I'm Really Trying to Eat Better This Year,' Says Junior Hours Before His Weekly Drunk McDonald's Visit

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins. 

“Eating healthy all the time is easy! Sure, I get cravings every now and then, but I’m making such conscious choices about my wellness now,” said Campbell, mere hours before getting trashed and ordering a Big Mac, 20 McNuggets, and fries at McDonald’s. 

“I suppose I sometimes fall off the wagon once every few days and eat two handfuls of raw almonds as a snack instead of just one. I can allow myself to cheat every once and while! Life’s too short,” continued Campbell, as his innards were still struggling to digest the six slices of Domino’s he wolfed down after his mixer last night.

When confronted about his questionable drunk eating habits, Campbell calmly and simply said, “Thunder only happens when it’s raining.” While we are a bit unsure of how the line from Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” applies in this case, we also totally understand.

Mark, keep on keepin’ on with your triweekly, highly caloric and fattening drunchies. You’re still our health and wellness inspo.