Report: 85% of Freshmen Haven't Come to Penn, Still Waiting for School Bus

It’s that time of year again. While most upperclassmen have settled back in their old campus haunts, Penn’s freshman halls lie mysteriously empty.

“Something like this happens most years,” sighed Riepe RA Hannah Ashforth (C ‘20). “We keep forgetting to remind incoming freshmen that there’s no school bus coming to pick them up. We usually slip a notice in their admissions packets, but someone clearly screwed up this time.”

Our investigative team managed to contact a few of the thousand-plus stranded first years.

“I started to worry around day five,” muttered a visibly emaciated Robert Eckford (C ‘22). “I guess they’re busy bussing the tens of other Oklahoma admits over to Philly.”

Some are less patient. “I’m paying thousands for this school!” griped Sarah Hendricks (E ‘22). “I woke up early, picked out my first day or school outfit, packed my PB and J, and got to my bus stop right at 7:50 am. You'd think that at an Ivy League college, the school bus would arrive on time.”

“Seriously,” she continued, “Honolulu isn’t even that far from Penn.”