So You've Alienated All Your Friends This Summer by Ghosting Them. Now What?

So you had a rough summer. Your friends wanted to talk to you, but you kept ghosting them. Now you've alienated all of them. How are you going to fix this?

1. Recognize that the damage is irreversible.

Sure, you've been friends ever since that night you took turns puking into the same toilet freshman year after failing a Math 104 exam. You've been together through everything: fights with your families, incestuous intra-friend group hookups, the stress of realizing you have no goals or aspirations. But ignoring their messages for a few months? Permanent damage. Your friendships will never be the same.

2. Reach out in person.

Yes, it may be awkward to respond to their month-old messages. So just don't. Spontaneously float by their rooms to start conversation; nothing shows commitment like showing up in person. That is, if you even know their new address.

3. Rekindle your relationship by forming a paranormal support group.

Now that you're a ghost, you will always remain a ghost. And now that your friends are aliens, they will always remain aliens. This may take some time to accept at first. We encourage you to form a support group with your alien friends—each of you has a lot to learn from each other as you adjust to an inhuman lifestyle.