Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.

The upcoming period of heterograde will occur between September 25th and October 12th. During this time, people are discouraged from making long-term decisions or starting new relationships. Those who are particularly susceptible to the effects of Mercury’s heterograde can exhibit many symptoms: including difficulty concentrating, aching of the back and/or neck, and inclination to shout homophobic, racist, or misogynistic views at passersby. People also may find themselves inclined to complete creative art projects that contain insulting rhetoric about various groups of people. In particular, people who fall within the zodiac signs of Libra and Scorpius are likely to be at risk.

It’s important for people who anticipate that they will be affected by Mercury’s heterograde to warn their family and friends ahead of time. They should also record a video that reminds themselves not to be an asshole to LGBTQ people, women, or really anyone else. Family and friends of Libras and Scorpios are encouraged to use patience and understanding with those people who are most strongly influenced by Mercury’s heterograde: they don't want to regret their actions once heterograde has passed and their loved one has stopped being a misogynistic, homophobic little bitch.

And again, in this time of difficulty, we remind readers to be grateful that although they may be susceptible to asshole-like tendencies during Mercury’s heterograde, at least they’re not ignorant, privileged, nonsense-preaching assholes in real life.