US News Ranks Penn Number One in Ability to Face Federal Prosecution Later in Life

Of the thousands and thousands of universities in the world, Penn is No. 1 in students’ ability to be prosecuted on federal charges, according to The US News and World Report.

According to the ranking, Penn graduates have the best chance of being arrested for violating federal law. Judgement criteria included the percentage of graduates arrested, the percentage found guilty, and average length of sentence or size of fine.

President Amy Gutmann celebrated the achievement in a statement. “When Playboy said we were the number one party school, people were like ‘Ok, these Penn kids get lit,’” she wrote. “But now, people know we are hard as shit. We go buck wild and don’t give a fuck about the rules.”

However, the report noted that many of the accused are represented by or are prosecuted by lawyers who themselves graduated from the University. This high concentration of “narcs” negatively affected the University’s raw score.