OP-ED: Please for the Love of God, Buy My Godzilla-Cover Calc Textbook

Greetings, fellow members of Free & For Sale.

I presume many of you are crossing the ol' Formal Reasoning and Analysis requirement off your respective Academic Planning Worksheets this fall. Perhaps the specter of MATH 103 or MATH 104 looms heavy on the horizon. If this indeed be the case, then have I got an offer for you!

That's right. The supremely popular, best-selling tome Thomas' Calculus: Early Transcendentals, 13th Edition (colloquially referred to as "The Godzilla-Cover Textbook") is now available for purchase from me. 

Good—nay, excellent—condition. $150 OBO. DM me for details. 

What's that? Something about an online version with a bonus homework software? I can't say I've heard of that before, but okay. Allow me to remind you of the appeal of a physical book—the weight, the crisp pages. Your professor will notice your book, and they will respect you for carrying it around in the blazing heat like a Sisyphean curse. So please, buy my book.

The price is a bit high? That's fair. Let me see what I can do for you. $100? No? $50? I can't go any lower than that, bub. $45 is the deal of the century. The market forecast says BUY NOW.  

Alright, I concede. Let's call it $10, cash only, pickup today at my place on 40th and Spruce. Take it or leave it.

Come on. I know there are a couple other Godzillas clomping around this Facebook page, but I promise this is the one you want. It's in LIKE NEW condition, but there's also a few demonic notes scribbled in the margins from a past owner—it's like having a piece of Penn history! Please, for the love of all things holy and unholy, take this thing off my hands.

Tell you what, I'll throw in my old homework answers. And my old tests. AND an access code. Deal?

Look buddy, just take it. Take the book. I don't want your greasy money. Just. Take. The. Book. I'll give you a clicker, a pair of AirPods, a tender back massage, and $25 cash if you just let me leave it on your porch. 

Final offer.