Here Are 5 Definitive Ways to Tell If Your Roommate Is a Psychopath

So you moved in about three weeks ago, and it has been a whirlwind. After meeting your roommate, hanging out a ton with them during NSO, and then completely ditching them when you made your real friends, you’re beginning to notice some weird things they do. After speaking with several Penn scientists and psychopaths we know personally, we’ve compiled a list of five foolproof ways to tell if your roommate is a psychopath.

1. They always put their socks and shoes on sock-shoe-sock-shoe. This is a clear cut indication that your roommate is a psychopath. If someone fully dresses one foot and leaves the other one dangling naked about, it’s psychotic at best.
2. They sleep on top of the covers. If your roommate is sleeping on top of the covers, it shows that they have no fear of monsters coming to get them at night. Everyone knows that no matter how hot it gets, you must sleep under some type of cover to provide some basic protection from intruders. Only a psychopath could break that rule.
3. They’re constantly reciting the Constitution of the United States under their breath. This one’s really a no-brainer—if your roommate is constantly whispering the text of the Constitution, you should really get out as fast as possible. That’s just some weird shit.
4. They keep a large chest at the end of their bed with several padlocks on it. If you roommate has this kind of chest and you never see them open it, it’s not a good sign. The more padlocks on the chest, the worse the outlook.
5. They’re frequently standing over you with a hammer when you wake up in the middle of the night. Though subtle, this unusual behavior is a very good sign that your roommate is a psychopath. You’ll definitely want to request a roommate change if this one’s been happening.