Second Year Experience Program to Offer Additional Year Of Nervously Walking Through Hallway In Towel

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.

President Gutmann defended the decision in a press conference. “Tip-toeing from your dorm room to the bathroom in just a towel is a crucial part of the Penn experience,” she said. 

Gutmann noted that sharing living quarters with people you barely know creates a valuable experience of terror every time you wish to shower. “Now, every student will get two years to be afraid of your towel falling off and exposing your genitals to your hallmates.”  

To Gutmann, sharing a shower with others is the essence of the undergraduate experience. “Bathing in flip flops, shivering under frigid water that refuses to heat up, struggling to find a shower that is not filled with vomit on a Saturday morning—that’s what it’s all about,” she said. “I’m excited to give Penn students another year of it.”