English Major Doesn't Actually Know How to Read, Just A Dumbass Who's Good at Guessing

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read. 

“This is the first time I’m actually telling anyone my story,” she told a UTB reporter. “Faking it for the first, like, five years of my life were pretty good. I think I graduated top of my class in preschool, so I was like, ‘Hey, I wonder how long I can keep this up for.’ And now I kind of regret not taking the time to actually learn how to read.” 

Jamil’s best friend since high school, Angela Monroe (C ‘21) said that she was “shocked” by her friend’s secret, but “upon thinking about it further, it seems to make sense.” 

“Every time we would go to a restaurant or something, she would kind of point at random things and look surprised when they came out holding like, an entire ham or just one egg. I still have no idea how she made it to Penn. I wonder what her mom, a multi-billionaire Penn alum, will do when she finds out.”

According to Jamil, her biggest struggle at Penn is not doing the readings, but writing final papers. “I sort of have to guess every time I write a paper,” she stated. “It’s literally taking a gamble with how and where to put every word and a lot of googling to make sure that I’m actually using a real word, and not just like, random gibberish. That being said, it wasn't really that hard for me to get an A in writing sem, actually.”