Wawa Announces ‘All Snacks Are Free, Since You Fuckers Just Steal Them Anyway’

A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.

“Inventory loss rates have reached 62%, up 4% from last year. We’ve reached the conclusion that all attempts to protect snacks from theft are useless, since you fuckers are just going to keep stealing them anyway."

A recent survey showed that 83% of students have shoplifted at least once from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce, and 9 in 10 shoplifters did so while intoxicated.

Despite having only been at Penn for a month, many freshmen also reported shoplifting from Wawa. “I was like, so fucked up, bro,” one enthusiastic CIS major stated. “It was my first time blacking out out. I didn’t know half a PBR could fuck me up that bad. Long story short, I woke up with nine Wawa soft pretzels in my lap and chocolate sauce all over my groin. But most importantly, my wallet was untouched."