Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement

As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance. Today, that guidance came from the President, Amy Gutmann, who called a press conference on the topic of the mold. In the crowd of around 30, filled with local reporters and people who walked over to see if there would be free food, everyone was looking for a plan of action from the head of the University.

Gutmann began her remarks with a statement on the situation in the Quad. “First off, there is no mold. There has never been any mold. Any person, university employee or so-called ‘journalist’ is lying to you if they say there is mold. The Russians told them to say that. Liars. All of them.” 

When asked to clarify, Gutmann upheld her stance on the Quad, extending her allegations of fabrication to the building which housed the “supposed” mold. “The Quad? Another lie. There isn’t a Quad. There has never been a Quad. What even is that word? I have never heard of a so-called Quad. Just more lies from my haters.”

Gutmann then went on to emphasize that since the mold was a fabrication, any person found talking or thinking about the random black patches in their room, (which are definitely 100%, not mold or mold-related products), would be immediately kicked out of university housing. 

In response to a question from UTB about where these evicted freshmen would live, Gutmann responded with a reference to the Sophomore Experience which was introduced earlier this year. “From now on, all 'freshmen' [stated with exaggerated air quotes] are now part of the sophomore experience. There will no longer be a Class of 2022. They don’t deserve to be freshmen after they spread those vicious lies about the 'mold' [with the same exaggerated quotes]. They are now members of the class of 2021. Good luck fulfilling those sector requirements now, suckers.”

Students have mixed reactions to the proposal. Antony Smith (C ’22) admires Gutmann’s statement, calling it “really bold.” He went on to mention the personal connection he found in her words. “Like, I’ve felt at certain times that I don’t matter and that nothing I do will ever amount to anything. Hearing the head of my school say that I don’t even exist really drove the point home for me..”

Stacy Mortenson (E ’22) had a different take. “What am I supposed to do now with my Insta bio? It says “Penn ’22” What do I do now? What will my followers think?” 

After her conference, Gutmann was spotted running towards a freshman wearing their class shirt, before attempting to change the “22” into a “21” with duct tape.