Student With Internship in DC Last Summer Unable to Stop Name Dropping

When Malia Jackson (W ‘20) was accepted for an internship with Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington), she was reportedly “ecstatic,” immediately making plans for a short-term lease on an apartment and packing all of her various power suits. 

But when she arrived in D.C., disaster struck in the form of a Bird Electric Scooter piloted by Senator Cruz (R-Texas), an accident which has resulted in an injury with never-before-seen side effects. 

Jackson's physician, Dr. Jonathan Spick, M.D., describes the condition as a “contusion of the brain tissue, resulting in the repression of inhibitions relating to mentioning connections to high-ranking members of society.”

“Malia cannot speak without name-dropping her connections. I told her I was going to give her antibiotics, and she brought up the time she was at a party doing Ritalin and met Amy Wax. She has no shame. Any person who is even slightly famous or infamous gets mentioned, no matter what the situation is. It’s really a fascinating presentation of symptoms.”

Some of Jackson’s classmates were less enthusiastic. Aleksander Smith (C ‘20) says her new condition means that it’s impossible to have a conversation with her. 

“I get it, she met Elizabeth Warren in the bathroom at her internship, and she was on the floor of the Senate 15 times. But I just don’t understand what that has to do with whether the homework is due tomorrow or Wednesday."