4 Ways to Fashion Deli Meat Into Underwear After Forgetting to Do Your Laundry

Are you fresh out of underwear? Don't fear, we've got this one. We've cut down our deluge of delicatessen directions to our top four methods for crafting underwear out of deli meats:

1. Go to Donatello’s Deli, and ask for their extra large tighty whitey salumi. This isn’t exactly DIY, but it will save you a lot of work!
2. Break into your grandmother’s house and steal her vintage sewing machine as well as her vintage capicola, preserved from the old country. This is a great way to overcome a shortage of clean clothing, but you’ll want to stay strapped.
3. Get meat glue, and simply fasten a nice, thick peparon to your secret area, resembling a nice pizza of sorts.
4. Borrow a 3D printer, load it up with pastrami and a CAD model of the finest Calvins in the land, and get cookin’.