Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good

At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence. Explains Smithbank, “Look, a girl’s gotta play. With herself. And her nine inch dildo. And her roommate’s TV monitor.”

Smithbank takes the greatest care in choosing the video supplement for her solo sessions. “I have it down to a science,” she explains. “Google 'Youtube.' Search for 'Bob Ross—Mountain Summit (Season 13 Episode 10).' Jump to 18:23. Get busy.” Smithbank goes on to explain how the voice of Bob Ross is just so “erotic”, and how she “wishes that she could engulf his happy little tree in her big strong bush.” 

Unfortunately for Smithbank, her session was interrupted this past Monday. “The video JUST got to the part where Bob is about to draw the big strong Evergreen on the mountaintop when there’s a sharp knocking on my door,” huffs Smithbank. “And then, as if it were the disapproving voice of God himself, I hear ‘Facilities!’” Not one to let the moral authority of God or Amy Gutmann spoil her fun, Smithbank ignored the knocking, redoubling her attention on the beautiful afro-ed man in front of her, focusing on his delicious brush strokes and glistening wet paint. 

It was only when facilities unlocked her door that Smithbank realized the error of her ways.

Reported to have said “Oh, fuck,” Smithbank was a blur of motion as she dove beneath her bed and covered herself with used blankets and Wawa hoagie wrappers. The Facilities representative, for their part, was utterly unfazed, and in fact reports that he thought “there was just a really large, really bald rat” in the room. Taking care to knock over all the furniture and poke multiple holes in the room’s walls and ceilings, the Facilities member finished their mold inspection to go and interrupt the couple having sex across the hall. 

Traumatized by the incident, Smithbank says that she’s learned a valuable lesson that day. “Next time, yeah, I’ll leave a sock on the door. But also, I need a vibrator.”