Frat Brothers Tell Freshmen to Take a Lap, Collectively Climax

This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of a fraternity , who climaxed immediately after uttering the words. 

“It started out like any other Friday night,” Lucas reported, the dull ache of suppressed trauma rippling across his eyes. “I was with a group of other freshmen, and we hadn’t pre-gamed hard enough that night. We were desperate, pathetic, and barely buzzed. And when that happens, we go to the frat.” 

For freshman across the University, the frat is notorious for its cramped, beer-soaked basement, its shitty Litake Party Lights Disco Ball Strobe Light Disco Lights ($39.99 on Amazon.com!), and a taste in music so abysmal it would win only the approval of edgy middle school tweens. Even so, the fraternity has a very special place in the hearts of many Penn students. Said Jason Wun (C '21), “This frat sucks, but they’re usually so empty that you can get in no problem. It’s the perfect post-pregame.”  

But unfortunately for Lucas, tragedy struck in the form of the Penn Police. “We were rounding the block when we saw a whole mass of people in front of the porch,” he explains. “Penn Police had just shut down a party up the street, and a clearly better party wasn’t opening for another hour, so everyone was making a pit stop.” According to various reports from that night, the brothers at the frat were high-fiving and chest bumping each other on the porch, laughing hysterically and shotgunning beers with wild abandon. 

It was when Lucas' group at last made it to the frat porch that he reached the lowest, blackest pit of his Penn experience. “I was climbing the steps on the heels of the group in front of us,” recalled Lucas, his voice wavering. “One of the brothers caught my shoulder and pushed me back, and my soul was immediately plunged into the ninth circle of hell.” 

In between no less than 10 emotional breakdowns, Lucas recalled the rest of the night in excruciating detail as only a survivor can. He reported that the brothers looked at each other as wolfish grins split their faces in two. One of the brothers, his eyes caked in a glaze of bliss, stepped forward. With shallow breath and quivering lips, he said, “How about you guys… take another lap?” Just as the last syllable slipped off his tongue, the brothers groaned in pleasure, and in the heat of the moment, collectively orgasmed in front of Lucas and his group, whose faces contorted in abject horror. 

Leaning on each other for support, Lucas and his group stumbled down the street, the memories of the last few minutes ingrained forever on their minds’ eyes. At the same time, the other freshmen bubbled up out of the house’s basement, their BACs at a sufficiently dangerous level. 

“Fuck this frat,” Lucas remembers saying, the words rolling lifelessly off his tongue. Replied the others, “Amen.”