It All Makes Sense: Gregory 'House' Actually A Registered Frat

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to. 

Notably, one of these documents revealed that Gregory Haus, located, we think, somewhere close to Allegro’s, is, in fact, registered as a fraternity, and not, as originally believed, a form of non-Greek College housing. 

Students who vaguely know what we’re even talking about were not at all surprised to hear that the un-air-conditioned, (essentially) off-campus institution turned out to be one of the hottest and most exclusive fraternities at Penn. “I can’t believe I didn’t analyze the signs! Floors that glisten in human sweat? The fact that no one really knows where it is or how it is they got there? It screams FRAT!” Annabel Dyson (C '20) remarked. 

Wharton senior and Citadel brother (who refused to disclose his name to protect future job offers) shared with UTB: “I came into Penn with tight connects already—but none to Gregory. Didn’t realize it was that exclusive. One of my brothers said that his second-cousin was a member and transferred out ‘cause the hazing was so bad.” His brother Alek Charmin (N ’19) chimed in as he regretfully shook his head: “They go too fucking hard there. Too fucking hard.” 

What hazing, you ask? According to Penn Fraternity enthusiast Jeremiah Luke, a prospective freshman and moderator of Penn’s CollegeConfidential page, recruits are required to live in small, cement boxes heated to ungodly and hazardous temperatures for a whole year! Rumor has it that for every tear shed, a centipede is unleashed into the box. And if you call your mom? Make room for a family of cockroaches.  

This discovery, although startling, also begs the question: who the fuck cares? A week after UTB published the initial news, a poll surveying all undergraduates found that 98% of the student body “didn’t give a single fuck about…Gregory, was it?” The other 2%, however, simply spelled S.O.S. with their poll answer sheets.