Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can. 

“It really can only be described as the sound of drunken ecstasy, exhaustion, pleasure and a little bit of pain,” distressed student and poet Claudio de Medici (W ’20) remarked. 

According to MERT First Responder Cynthia Kentman (E ’20), the can played host to a passionate squirrel orgy. “Broken acorns were absolutely everywhere. Someone definitely busted a nut,” she shared.

Scores of visibly fucked-up squirrels were carried off in make-shift stretchers made of maple leaves. Other squirrels were seen smoking cigarettes on the edge of Locust wearing large sunglasses and cheetah-printed latex coats, looking on as their friends vomited into sewer drains. 

Sources indicate that Penn students interested in joining in next Friday must bring their own fur coats.